PanicStation.org
UK USA
uk Sexual violence & highly sensitive situations teacher asks for secret messages • coach wants disappearing messages • mentor says keep it private • secret chat with adult • vanishing messages snapchat • disappearing messages whatsapp • hidden communication request • adult wants off-platform chat • asked to move to private app • asked to delete messages • secrecy about communication • uncomfortable teacher texting • school staff boundary crossing • grooming warning signs • student worried about messages • pressured to keep secrets • teacher says dont tell anyone • mentor late night messaging

What to do if…
a teacher, coach, or mentor asks you to communicate through secret or disappearing messages

Short answer

Stop using secret/disappearing messages with them, and tell a safe adult today (a parent/carer or your school/college safeguarding lead). If you feel in immediate danger, call 999.

Do not do these things

  • Don’t agree to “keep it just between us,” move to a private app, or use disappearing/vanishing mode.
  • Don’t meet them alone “to talk about it” or to “clear up a misunderstanding.”
  • Don’t delete chats, photos, or logs to “avoid trouble” (even if they ask).
  • Don’t confront them directly if you feel pressured or unsafe.
  • Don’t assume you need proof before telling someone.

What to do now

  1. Create a safer pause and end the channel.
    Stop replying. Turn off disappearing messages for that chat if you can. If you feel safer, block or mute them. If it’s a school platform, log out and don’t continue the conversation.
  2. Only if it’s safe, save just enough to show the problem (don’t go looking for more).
    If messages might vanish and your device is private/safe to use, save or screenshot a small amount that shows the account name and the request for secrecy/disappearing messages. If you’re not sure your phone is private (or screenshots could put you at risk), skip this and tell a trusted adult—your safety matters more than “evidence.”
  3. Tell the safeguarding person at your school/college (today).
    In England this is often the Designated Safeguarding Lead (DSL) (or Deputy DSL). If you don’t know who it is (or you’re outside England), ask reception/admin: “Who is the safeguarding/child protection lead?”
    Say plainly: “A staff member asked me to use secret/disappearing messages and keep it private. I’m worried.”
    If the safeguarding lead is the person involved, tell the headteacher/principal or the chair of governors/proprietor (or equivalent) and ask them to follow the school’s safeguarding process for concerns about staff.
  4. Tell a safe adult outside school as well.
    If you can, tell a parent/carer or another trusted adult (relative, friend’s parent, youth worker). If you’re worried about how they’ll react, you can start with: “I need you to listen first. I’m not in trouble. I need help with a safeguarding issue.”
  5. Get specialist support if you’re unsure, or you can’t safely tell someone locally.
    • If you’re under 19, contact Childline (0800 1111) for confidential support.
    • If you’re an adult worried about a child (including yourself when you were under 18), contact the NSPCC Helpline (0808 800 5000) for advice on what to do next.
  6. If you’re scared right now or they try to escalate contact.
    If they threaten you, try to arrange a meeting, show up at your home, or you feel unsafe: call 999. If it’s not an emergency but you need police help, call 101.

What can wait

  • You do not need to decide right now whether to make a formal complaint, involve police, or label it as grooming or abuse.
  • You do not need to write a full timeline tonight. A few key facts (who, what was asked, when, where) is enough for now.
  • You do not need to confront the person, warn others, or try to investigate.

Important reassurance

Feeling confused, embarrassed, or worried about “getting someone in trouble” is very common—especially when the person is respected. You are not overreacting: asking for secrecy/disappearing messages is a serious boundary-crossing signal, and you deserve support and protection.

Scope note

These are first steps to help you pause, preserve options, and get the concern into the right safeguarding hands. Later steps may involve formal school processes or specialist services, but you don’t have to figure that out alone in the first moments.

Important note

This is general information, not legal advice. If you are in immediate danger, call 999. If you cannot safely act on any step, prioritise getting to a safer situation and contacting a trusted adult or specialist helpline.

Additional Resources
Support us