uk Sexual violence & highly sensitive situations told to resolve it informally • pressured to handle it yourself • asked to confront them directly • informal resolution sexual misconduct • forced mediation after misconduct • “sort it out between you” • asked to meet them one to one • workplace sexual misconduct complaint • university sexual misconduct report • school safeguarding concern • sexual harassment complaint options • afraid of retaliation for reporting • manager says keep it quiet • asked to drop a formal report • unsure if you want to report • worried about being disbelieved • coerced agreement after misconduct • asked to sign something quickly

What to do if…
you are told you should resolve a sexual misconduct issue “informally” with the person involved

Short answer

You do not have to face the person involved to “sort it out” — pause, get support, and ask for the formal reporting/safeguarding route (and any no-contact options) in writing before you agree to any meeting or “informal resolution”.

Do not do these things

Do not agree (in the moment) to meet them alone, “talk it through”, or do mediation/restorative processes because someone says it’s “simpler”.
Do not let anyone rush you into a decision, or tell you you’re “overreacting” for wanting a formal route or no contact.
Do not put yourself in a situation where they can contact you privately (late-night calls, isolated meetings, lifts home).
Do not sign anything under pressure (including “informal agreements” or confidentiality wording) — ask for time and independent advice first.
Do not delete messages/emails/notes about what happened, even if you feel embarrassed or want it to go away.

What to do now

Create a safe pause and set a clear boundary you can repeat (preferably in writing).
“I’m not comfortable resolving this directly with them or meeting one-to-one. Please share the formal reporting/safeguarding process and my options (including no-contact/support measures) in writing.”
Ask for the organisation’s official process — and explicitly say what you are not agreeing to.
Ask for: “the written policy, the formal route, who will handle it, and what interim measures you can put in place now.”
Add: “I am not agreeing to mediation, restorative justice, or any process requiring direct contact.”
Use the right internal route for your setting (choose the one that feels safest).
- Workplace: ask HR or a senior manager not connected to the person involved for the formal grievance route, and who you can go to if your line manager is part of the problem. If you’re in a union, contact your rep early.
- University/college: contact the sexual misconduct/complaints team (or student support) and ask for support measures now (for example, timetable/workspace changes, alternative supervision, or limits on contact).
- School/under-18 setting: ask to speak to the Designated Safeguarding Lead (DSL) (or deputy DSL).
  If someone refuses to provide the process in writing, treat that as a warning sign and move to step 5.
Make a brief record while it’s fresh (for you, not for “proof”).
Note: what happened (briefly), dates/times you remember, who told you to handle it “informally”, what they asked you to do, and what you want instead (formal route/no contact). Keep screenshots of relevant messages.
Bring in a supportive, independent person before any meeting or decision.
Options: union rep, trusted colleague/friend to sit with you while you write/phone, student support adviser, or a specialist sexual violence support service.
If a meeting is proposed, ask for: written agenda, minutes/notes afterwards, a support person present, and confirmation you will not be placed in a face-to-face discussion with the other person.
If you feel unsafe or at risk of escalation, prioritise safety over process.
Consider steps you control today: block/limit contact routes, change routines, ask for a different supervisor/tutor/contact point, and tell someone you trust where you’ll be. If you are in immediate danger, call 999.
If you want medical care (or you’re unsure), you can get help without committing to a report.
You can seek urgent medical help via NHS 111/urgent care. Specialist services (including Sexual Assault Referral Centres) can support health needs, and you can decide later about reporting.
If you might want to take action later, keep your options open.
Keep basic notes and communications. You do not need to decide today what route you will take.

What can wait

You do not need to decide today whether to report to the police or make a formal complaint.
You do not need to write a “perfect” statement or gather lots of evidence right now.
You do not need to respond to pressure messages immediately — it’s OK to slow everything down.
You do not need to negotiate directly with the person involved to be taken seriously.

Important reassurance

Being pushed toward “informal” resolution can feel confusing and isolating — especially if it’s framed as “the mature/easy option”. Wanting a formal route, safeguards, or no contact is a normal safety response. You’re allowed to set boundaries and ask for the process that protects you.

Scope note

These are first steps to stabilise the situation and avoid harmful early moves. Later decisions (formal complaints, employment steps, legal advice, police reporting) can be taken with specialist support when you feel steadier.

Important note

This is general information, not legal advice. Procedures vary by workplace, school, and institution. If you feel threatened or in immediate danger, call emergency services. If you want confidential specialist support, consider contacting a sexual violence support service.

Additional Resources

Support us

What to do if…you are told you should resolve a sexual misconduct issue “informally” with the person involved