What to do if…
you learn a close relative has died and you feel destabilised by your history with them

What to do now

1. Make a 20-minute safe pause. Sit somewhere you are physically safe and not likely to be interrupted. Silence non-essential notifications. Put water nearby and eat something small if you can.
2. Confirm only the minimum facts. If the news came through social media, a vague message, or a third party, ask for one written confirmation: “Can you text me who confirmed this, when it happened, and who is the main contact?” You do not need the full story now.
3. Send one support text. Message one safe person: “I’ve had distressing news about a death in my family. I have trauma history with this person and I feel destabilised. Can you stay with me or be on the phone for 10 minutes?”
4. Use urgent help if you might not stay safe. If you might harm yourself, have already harmed yourself, or feel you cannot keep yourself safe, call 999 or go to A&E. If you need urgent mental health help but it is not an immediate emergency, call NHS 111 and select the mental health option, or ask your GP surgery for an urgent appointment. Local urgent mental health routes can vary.
5. Use a listening line if you need a human voice now. Samaritans is available on 116 123 at any time, day or night. You do not have to explain the whole family history; you can say, “A relative has died and I’m having a trauma reaction.”
6. Set a 24-hour contact boundary. Choose one simple rule: no calls, text updates only, or one update from one person. Send: “I’ve received the news. I’m not able to talk right now. Please text key practical updates only.”
7. Find out who is handling practical matters without volunteering. Ask: “Who is arranging the funeral or registering the death?” and “Who is dealing with the estate or official notifications?” If the person who died lived in England, Scotland or Wales, Tell Us Once may be used after the death is registered, or after there is a final or interim death certificate from the coroner; it is not available if the person was living in Northern Ireland when they died.
8. Refuse triggering tasks for today. If someone asks you to clear a home, read papers, identify belongings, contact officials, or visit a place connected with the person who died, reply: “I can’t do that today. Put it in writing and I’ll look later.”
9. Pause funeral and viewing decisions. You do not have to decide today whether to view the body, attend the funeral, speak to relatives, or explain your relationship. Ask for dates, times, and deadlines in writing, then stop.
10. Flag the situation to a professional contact if you already have one. If you have a GP, therapist, care coordinator, or support worker, send a short message: “Bereavement plus trauma history; feeling destabilised; need support.” You do not have to explain the whole history.