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What to do if…
you need to tell a child that a relative is dying soon and you have little time to prepare

Short answer

Pick one calm, trusted adult to tell the child today, in simple direct words, and then stay with them for the first wave of questions and feelings.

Do not do these things

  • Do not use confusing euphemisms (for example “gone to sleep”, “lost”, “passed away”) if you can avoid it — children can take these literally.
  • Do not overload them with medical detail, timelines, or adult conversations about treatment choices.
  • Do not promise exact times (“they will die tomorrow”) or make guarantees (“they’ll definitely be OK”).
  • Do not tell them right before school/bedtime if you can help it (unless time forces it) — they need time to settle with you afterwards.
  • Do not make them responsible for comforting adults (“be brave for mum”, “don’t upset gran”).
  • Do not force a visit or a “goodbye moment” on the spot; offer choices.

What to do now

  1. Choose the messenger and place (2-minute decision).
    Ideally, the child is told by a parent/carer or another adult they trust, in a quiet place, with no one rushing off straight after. If you’re too upset to speak clearly, bring in a second calm adult to sit with you — but keep the number of adults low.

  2. Start by checking what they already think is happening.
    One opener is: “I need to tell you something important about [Name]. What have you noticed or heard?” This reduces shocks from misinformation and tells you what language they’re using.

  3. Say the core truth in one simple sentence, then stop.
    Examples you can adapt:

    • “The doctors have told us [Name] is very ill, and they are likely to die soon.”
    • “Their body is stopping working, and they won’t get better.”
      Then pause. Let the child react before you add more.

  4. Use clear words for death, and give a simple body explanation if asked.
    If they ask “What does die mean?”, a simple explanation is: “When someone dies, their body stops working — they’re no longer alive, and they cannot feel things the way living people do.”

  5. Cover the most common urgent fears explicitly.
    Many children urgently need to hear:

    • It’s not your fault: “Nothing you did, said, or thought caused this.”
    • It’s not ‘catching’: “You cannot catch this illness like a cold.”
    • You will still be cared for: “Grown-ups will keep looking after you. Here’s what will happen today/tomorrow.”

  6. Offer a concrete, optional way to say goodbye that fits the time you have.
    Give choices, not pressure:

    • Visit (with a clear description of what they might see: tired, sleeping, tubes/monitors, different voice).
    • Phone/video call.
    • Send a voice note, drawing, letter, or small item.
      If visiting, agree a short plan: who goes, how long, and a “leave at any time” signal.

  7. Make a “next 24 hours” plan the child can understand.
    Use specifics: who is picking them up, where they’ll sleep, who they can talk to at school. Predictability reduces panic.

  8. Tell the child’s school/nursery today (even a brief message).
    Ask for one named contact (class teacher, head of year, pastoral lead) so your child has predictable support and you’re not repeating the story to multiple staff.

  9. Get specialist UK support if you’re running out of words.
    If you feel stuck, contact a UK bereavement support organisation (for example Child Bereavement UK or Winston’s Wish) or speak to the hospice/palliative care team supporting your relative. They can help you choose age-appropriate wording quickly.

What can wait

  • You do not need to explain the full medical history, family disputes, or funeral plans now.
  • You do not need to decide today whether the child will attend the funeral (that can be revisited when you know what happens and how they’re coping).
  • You do not need to “get the emotions right” — you can come back to this conversation many times.
  • You do not need to answer every question immediately; it’s OK to say, “I don’t know yet, but I’ll tell you when I do.”

Important reassurance

A child’s reaction can be unexpected: they may cry, go quiet, ask practical questions, or want to play. That doesn’t mean they don’t care — it often means they are taking in something enormous in small pieces. Clear, honest words and your steady presence are what help most.

Scope note

These are first steps for the first conversation and the next day or two. Ongoing support (and repeated, small conversations) usually matters more than a single “perfect talk”.

Important note

This is general information, not medical, legal, or safeguarding advice. If you’re worried about immediate safety, or you feel unable to keep the child safe, contact your GP, NHS 111, or emergency services.

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