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What to do if…
you need to tell a child that someone close has died and you are in shock

Produced and maintained by PanicStation.org Published: Last reviewed: Editorial policy UK guide

Short answer

Get yourself into the calmest safe pause you can, bring in one trusted adult if possible, then tell the child simply and directly: “[Name] has died.” You do not need a perfect explanation now; clear words, safety, and presence matter most.

Do not do these things

  • Try not to use vague phrases like “went to sleep”, “passed away”, “lost”, or “gone” with a young child, because they can confuse or frighten them.
  • Try not to invent a story or fill in details you do not know. It is OK to say, “I do not know yet.”
  • Try not to tell them in a crowded, rushed, or public place if there is any safer private option.
  • Try not to promise things you cannot guarantee, such as “nothing will change” or “we will never be sad again.”
  • Try not to let the child be alone with frightening guesses from overheard adult conversations, messages, news, or social media.
  • Try not to make the child comfort you. It is OK for them to see that you are sad, but ask another adult to support you if your distress is overwhelming.

What to do now

  1. Bring in one support adult if you can. Ask a trusted adult to be nearby, in the home, outside the room, or on speakerphone, so you are not doing this alone while shocked.
  2. Choose the simplest safe setting. Sit near the child, at their level if possible, somewhere familiar and private. Turn off TV, news, and loud notifications.
  3. Say one clear sentence first. Say: “I have some very sad news. [Name] has died.” Then stop and let the child take it in.
  4. Explain what “died” means in simple words. For a younger child, you can say: “Died means their body stopped working. They cannot breathe, eat, talk, or come back.”
  5. Give the two most important reassurances. Say: “This is not your fault.” Say: “You are safe right now, and I am here with you.” If you cannot stay with them, say clearly who will stay with them and when you will be back.
  6. Answer only the question they ask. If they ask “How?”, give a short truthful answer without graphic detail. If you do not know, say: “I do not know yet. When I know more, I will tell you.”
  7. Let any first reaction be possible. They may cry, go quiet, look blank, ask practical questions, laugh nervously, get angry, or ask the same question again. Stay nearby and repeat the simple truth calmly.
  8. If you feel medically unwell, hand over. If you feel faint, have chest pain, are severely dizzy, or feel unable to stay awake, sit or lie down safely and ask the support adult to take over. For urgent medical help, use NHS 111. For a life-threatening emergency, call 999 or 112.
  9. Protect them from adult details. Send one message if needed: “Please do not discuss details in front of the child. Use clear words such as ‘died’ if they need to know.”
  10. Make the next hour very small. Decide who will stay with the child, what happens next, and one simple comfort option, such as sitting together, quiet TV, drawing, a snack, a short walk, or bedtime routine.
  11. Tell school or nursery when you can manage it. Today or tomorrow morning is usually enough. Ask them to tell the right pastoral or safeguarding contact, and the SENCO if the child already has SEND support. If you cannot face the call or message, ask another trusted adult to do it for you.

What can wait

  • You do not need to explain funerals, faith or spiritual beliefs, or what happens after death right now.
  • You do not need to know every fact about the death, the timeline, or medical details.
  • You do not need to decide today whether the child will attend a funeral or how they will say goodbye.
  • You do not need to contact everyone yourself.
  • You do not need to fix the child’s feelings. Right now, the job is safety, clear words, and staying close.

Important reassurance

Being in shock can make you feel blank, shaky, robotic, or frightened that you are doing it wrong. A simple truthful sentence from a caring adult is enough for this first moment. Children often come back to the same question in small bursts; repetition can be part of how they understand what has happened.

Scope note

This is first-steps-only guidance for the first conversation and the next few hours. Later decisions, grief support, school support, funeral choices, and family arrangements may need help from bereavement specialists, health professionals, the school, or other trusted support.

Important note

This is general information, not medical, legal, therapeutic, financial, or other professional advice. If you or the child is at immediate risk, call 999 or 112. If you feel unable to keep the child safe because you are overwhelmed, urgently involve another trusted adult and seek professional help.

Additional Resources

Closely connected guides that may be useful during the same situation or its immediate aftermath.

About this guide

This guide was produced and is maintained by PanicStation.org using its published editorial process. Official and specialist sources are checked where relevant, and AI-assisted tools may be used for drafting, organisation, and consistency checks. The site operator remains responsible for publication, revision, and removal decisions.

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