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What to do if…
a hospital asks you to come in urgently to discuss end-of-life decisions for a relative

Produced and maintained by PanicStation.org Published: Last reviewed: Editorial policy USA guide

Short answer

Join the meeting in person or by phone or video. Ask what needs deciding now, whether a brief pause is medically possible, whether your relative can make the decision, and what document or state-law process the team is using if someone else needs to decide.

Do not do these things

  • Do not assume you need to answer every question immediately. Ask what is time-critical and whether a brief pause for a clear summary is medically possible.
  • Do not assume the closest relative automatically has authority to decide. Ask the team to explain the applicable document or state-law process.
  • Do not treat a DNR order as the whole conversation. Ask what it would cover and what other treatments are being discussed.
  • Do not sign a form you do not understand. Ask for the form name and a plain-English explanation.
  • Do not try to settle every family disagreement before the meeting. Ask the team to clarify the decision-making process.

What to do now

  1. Confirm how urgent the meeting is. Ask: “What decision needs to be discussed now?” and “What may happen if I cannot arrive for a few hours?” Ask to join by phone or video if needed.

  2. Ask whether your relative can make the decision. Say: “Can my relative make this decision for themselves right now?” If the team says they cannot, ask them to explain what decision this applies to and what process they are using.

  3. Ask the team to check for relevant documents. Ask whether the chart includes:

    • an advance directive or living will
    • a health care proxy or health care power of attorney
    • a court-appointed guardian, if relevant
    • a POLST form or similar portable medical order, if relevant

    If you have a document, ask how to provide a copy securely.

  4. Ask what decision is actually being requested. Ask whether the discussion is about CPR, a DNR order, a ventilator, dialysis, tube feeding, surgery, antibiotics, transfer to intensive care, or a shift toward comfort-focused care.

  5. Ask for a short medical summary. Use questions such as:

    • “What are you most concerned may happen soon?”
    • “What are the realistic options?”
    • “What is the likely outcome with each option?”
    • “What are you recommending for this patient, and why?”

  6. Ask what a DNR order would and would not cover. A DNR order concerns CPR if breathing or heartbeat stops. Ask which other treatments would still be considered and which treatments the team is discussing separately.

  7. Ask for support with the conversation. Ask whether palliative care can join to discuss comfort, symptoms, and goals of care. If there is disagreement or uncertainty, ask whether an ethics consultation or similar support service is available.

  8. Ask what information the hospital can share with you. If your relative can answer, ask whether they want staff to share updates with you. If they cannot answer, ask what information the team can share based on your involvement in care and whether the hospital needs documents to establish personal-representative status.

  9. Ask the team to document the outcome. Ask them to record the decision, the order name, and the next step in the chart. Ask what written summary is available.

  10. If family members disagree, ask for one structured meeting. Ask the team to explain the applicable decision-making process and arrange a meeting with the treating team and any available support service.

What can wait

  • You do not need to decide funeral arrangements, estate matters, or long-term family logistics now.
  • You do not need to resolve every family conflict before speaking with the hospital team.
  • You do not need to remember everything. Focus on the immediate decision, the patient’s wishes, and the next step.

Important reassurance

An urgent meeting can mean the medical situation or the available choices are changing. Asking for a clear explanation is reasonable. Feeling overwhelmed, tearful, frozen, or unsure does not mean you are failing your relative.

Scope note

These are first steps for an urgent hospital conversation. The decision-making process, relevant documents, and available support services may depend on the patient’s situation, the hospital, and state law. Later decisions may need help from the treating team or an appropriate specialist.

Important note

This is general information, not legal, medical, therapeutic, financial, or other professional advice. Ask the hospital team to explain what applies in your relative’s situation.

Additional Resources

Closely connected guides that may be useful during the same situation or its immediate aftermath.

About this guide

This guide was produced and is maintained by PanicStation.org using its published editorial process. Official and specialist sources are checked where relevant, and AI-assisted tools may be used for drafting, organisation, and consistency checks. The site operator remains responsible for publication, revision, and removal decisions.

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